I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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