Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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