If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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