just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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