and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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