I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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