can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
