I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
