Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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