so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
