In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
