you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
