just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
