I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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