OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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