Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
