did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
