You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
