I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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