dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Randomize
