I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
