I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
