Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
