DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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