I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I fill condoms, not promises.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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