proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
