I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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