There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
