If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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