so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
