Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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