fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
