I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
