I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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