I will die if light touches me.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
