Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
