A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I checked into jail on foursquare
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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