I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
