Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
