my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
