Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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