the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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