im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
