I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
