i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
