Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
and she was petting her beer can
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
