I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
