can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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