Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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