i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
