your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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