Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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